To: Guy in Bathroom Stall

You're a disgusting pig.

The groaning noises you were making while taking a crap just now were revolting ... it's virtually impossible not to hear when another person enters the washroom so is it really necessary to subject another person to that? Seriously if you are having that much difficulty going then maybe you don't need to go right now.

What's worse is that you probably work in my office too. Thank God you didn't finish and come out of the stall while I was washing my hands. I wouldn't be able to look at you the same way again.

To: Boss

If I didn't know better, I'd guess that you just asked me for Undeterminable Accent Guy's employee file because you're going to fire him. I'm smiling on the inside. =)

This almost makes up for you walking by my desk and glancing over everything on it or stopping by and picking things off my desk to read and just generally be a nosey prick.

To: Undeterminable Accent Guy

This morning, when you said to me,
"dju naw ef de ooks e awdid ayin"

I really had no idea you were actually trying to say,
"Do you know if the books he ordered are in"

Seriously, get a speech coach and lay off the downers.