To: Scientologist Recruiter

No thank you; I do not want to be hooked up to your e-meter to take a free stress test. I bet that silly looking machine of yours was probably white once but has been sitting out in the sun on the doorsteps of your offices so long that it has faded to that barf yellow colour it is now. Did you build that yourself using parts from your old Speak ‘n Spell and Operation game? Looks really scientific. I think I’m ready to convert.

Believe what you want, I seriously couldn’t care less, but be true to what you believe. And by that I mean this: if you are trying to convince me to become a Scientologist or to take that pamphlet you’re handing me, read it, and consider what you have to offer me because you put your faith and trust in this …then why were you wearing a cross on that necklace of yours? See… you don’t even believe in it yourself.

And what have you done to Katie Holmes?!

To: Cold Sore Co-Worker

I don’t know what to think of you now. See … I have this thing where I think people with cold sores are total skanks. Ok fine, I don’t really think that, cause I guess they’re fairly common; (I’ve never had one just for the record) it’s just that I once saw this woman on a bus without about 4 or 5 dirty children and just as many sores on her mouth and couldn't help but thinking she wouldn’t be in said condition if she wasn’t such a slut.

You’ve taken a couple of days off work and returned today with one on your mouth and now all I can think about is that dirty woman on the bus. You’re married, right? Hmmm…. I’m not implying anything about you, I’m just sayin’s all.

To: The Woman Who Honked At Me This Morning

Fuck you.

Just as I was too tired to cross the street fast enough for you this morning, I was also too tired to give you the finger you impatient bitch.

To: Croc Wearers

Take a good look at what you are wearing on your feet you idiots. Is there anything remotely attractive or fashionable about this picture? I suppose the same applies to you ... usually the top matches the bottom. These $10-15 attrocities will have disappeared by next year and will have made some guy a nice bit of cash but for the life of me I can't comprehend why you insist on wearing these in public! Please stop - consider this my public service announcement, you would be doing the population as a whole a huge favour by retiring these for good! Thank you.

To: Sick Kids Hospital Charity Collectors

I see you guys very often on my way to work or during the afternoon when I go for lunch. You strategically position yourself on opposite sides of the sidewalk from each other so that you can catch me regardless of what direction I may be walking in. Lately I’ve taken to just wearing my iPod so that you think perhaps I won’t hear you … but you’re relentless! You just won’t give up!

There's that saying: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
Well, in this case, it's actually what you say.

“Do you have a minute for Sick Kids?”

What are you saying exactly? If I don’t stop, I don’t have a minute for sick kids? That I can’t spare a minute for a sick child? That I am so busy that I can’t even take 1 minute out of my day for sick children?!

That’s nice, just imply that I don’t have time for children who are ill. Try to make people feel bad so they will give you money.

Screw off, you don’t even know me.

To: Undeterminable Accent Guy

I can't believe you just asked me how to copy something with the photocopier.

Am I on a hidden camera show right now?

To: The Summer Intern

I’m sorry I missed your presentation on Friday. If I had cared about what you were doing here this summer perhaps I would have come. I didn’t and I still don’t. What was your name again?

A part of me died when I saw you going around the office and kissing people goodbye. I feared for my life when you laid a big one on a co-worker who I think you probably traumatized.

“Oh, did I scare you?” I heard you say.

You do own a mirror right? Don’t you scare you?
You shouldn’t do that to people, it’s just not fair.

I do owe you a big thank you, however. Thank you for not kissing me goodbye. Perhaps it’s because you clued in to my dislike of you, perhaps you grew to dislike me, or perhaps it’s because I left printed copies of this blog on your desk. OK fine, I didn’t do that … but I thought about it. I also thought about what you would look like if you waxed your moustache but I concluded that you still wouldn’t be pretty.

So enjoy the rest of your summer, I’ve paid you for your time here and would appreciate never seeing you again.

To: Undeterminable Accent Guy

Did you really come all the way over to my desk just now just so you could open the letter you received with my letter opener? Like you couldn’t have opened that envelope any other way?

I think you mumbled some sort of "thank-you" in that accent you think is understood by humans. Oh, you're welcome ... PLEASE come back again soon. Maybe you'll need to staple something but just aren't comfortable doing it at your own desk.

Freak of nature.

To: The Unattractive Couple from the Country

As you know, I met you when in university. As you also may know, I was never your friend. You were friends of a friend of mine. You never called me … I never called you … we never hung out together … hence we have no friendship.

The last time I saw you was a year ago at our mutual friend’s wedding. I wish someone at that wedding would have given me the good sense to not give you my email address. For the last year you have sent me pictures of your children almost weekly.

I look at these pictures, laugh at your children and then delete them.

Your son has no neck and his arms basically look like laced ham.
Your daughter will be teased by other girls in school because, while she’s kind of cute – chunky is not cute.

It’s your fault too. I know you feed them crap. You even tried to defend your practice of eating out often at a popular coffee shop with:

“for the kids, we try to chose the healthier snacks they have there like the muffins”

Ummm what?
Heathier snacks like muffins?
Isn’t a muffin essentially a small piece of cake?
That’s a good one. Do you also bathe these kids in gravy?

So please stop sending me these pictures – I can only feel sorry for them for so long and its been a year … I’m over it and they’re basically beyond help at this point.

To: Backseat Driver

People like you bug me.

I'm walking down the street and see you and your girlfriends walking in my direction. Suddenly you stop dead in your tracks and grab the arm of the girl beside you like you've just seen the most horrific event transpire.

"Look at that! Doing a U-turn while talking on the phone!" you barked.
"While talking on the phone!" (the second time with more emphasis)

Seriously chill bitch. Mind your own business! I've sent a text while getting a BJ before - big effing deal.

You probably hate me.

To: The Summer Intern

That was a nice staff lunch that we just had. It was fun to watch you fill your paper plate to the point where it started to buckle under the weight of the food you heaped on to it. Got me to thinking ... maybe the pants you were wearing yesterday (you know, the ones I'm sure you think are capris?) well maybe they're only short on you because you're so fat.

I couldn't help but notice you finished your trough full of slop a good 10 minutes before I did .... and went back for more ..... twice! OK truth be told, I did go back an have another spring roll - 1 ok? 1 spring roll! Big deal ... you could fit three of me into your pants!

Lastly, I loved your story about the teacher with the yard stick. She got angry at you for something and slapped the yard stick on your desk so hard that to this day you are hard of hearing in one ear. Shut up, you're so full of shit, that did not happen.

To: The Summer Intern (continued)

OH God, you're at it again! You know, when you leave, it will be a bittersweet moment I think. On one hand, I'll be happy you're no longer here and will forget your name by the following day; and on the other hand, I may actually just miss the endless supply of material you provide me with.

So maybe an hour has passed since your previous vocabulary-challenged conversion with me. You approach my desk and take a seat, oblivious to the fact that I have not turned around once to acknowledge your presence. This, I know, will not deter you. People like you never seem to be able to take a hint.

HER: "You know what my husband called me this morning?"
ME (in my head): Priceless. I could think if a million things to call you! AND ... you have a husband?! That poor man.
ME: "What did he call you?"
HER: "Pippy Long-Stocking"
ME (in my head): Ummm why? I don't get it and you're bothering me, please go away.

To illustrate this moniker that you think I care about, you then pull up your socks. It should be noted here for those who fortunately did not have to witness the trainwreck that is your choice of wardrobe today, that you are in fact wearing a pair of trousers that I know you think are capris but really are a pair of trousers that were handed down to you and never fit or are a pair that you have outgrown. I know you think you can get away with wearing this but NO ONE can get away with wearing this which makes it that much more wrong on you.

ME: "Oh" followed by a half smile (which hurt) and a fake sort of laugh. Basically, I'm speechless.

I would just like to thank my co-worker who, at this point, saved me from this by calling you over.

To: The Summer Intern

So I'm working at my desk, minding my own business like I do and you come over. Oh God, I'm thinking, here goes ....

YOU: "Peek-a-Booz-Its"
ME (in my head): WTF?!
ME: "Oh, pardon me?"

I actually heard perfectly well what you just said, I just wanted to see if you would repeat that drivel to my face.

YOU: "Peek-a-Booz-Its"
ME (in my head): OMG, you did! WTF?!

Here's the thing ... I don't get it. I don't even pretend to be interested in what you have to say and I avoid you every chance I get. I thought you were beginning to understand that I didn't want you to speak to me (or come within a 5 foot radius of me).

Seriously ... ask yourself this:
When a person approaches you and says, "Peek-a-Booz-Its" ... what is the appropriate response?

I mean,
"fine thanks, and yourself?" doesn't sound right, "peek-a-booz-its to you too" is just encouraging this behaviour, and something like "don't speak to me or come close enough for me to see you in my peripheral vision" would probably get me fired!