To: New Hire #2

I'll give you a better name as soon as I get to know you better.

Well congratulations to you too ... in a few minutes you're going to get your offer letter as well. Right now you probably think this is the greatest thing ever (and I suppose for someone like you, this is) but its only a matter of time before you hate it here as well.

There are a few things I think you need to work on right off the bat:

1. I'd lose the buzz cut thing you've got going on. I hate it.
2. Look people in the eye when you speak to them. All you did was look at my desk when you spoke with me ... I almost mistook you for my boss who scans my desk everytime he passes me to see what's on it.
3. Learn how to correctly pronounce the name of the person you're here to meet with. Last week you didn't even know his name and today you said a word that rhymes with his name. Well, not an English word but you made some sort of sound that I think was similar to his name.

So good luck here ... you look like you'll fit in just perfectly ..... with everyone except me.

To: Cute Interviewee

Well I hate to say "I told you so" but I could have seen this one coming a mile away.

You're not getting a job here.

Sitting in front of me right now is the nervous older lady who was here last week. She's getting the job you applied for. I'm afraid that if she continues her nervous hand motions, she may peel the skin off her fingers. I almost want to tell her to chill and that I've already written her offer letter.

"Umm sweetie, relax. You're going to be offered the job today. Congratulations, by the way, but sorry about your salary. If you need me to lend you some money some time for lunch just let me know."

So yeah I'm sorry that they chose her over you. I would have much rather spent my days looking at your face than hers but I guess you just possess all the qualities that don't fit with the rest of the team. You're cute, probably cool, fun, normal ... I could go on.

To: Black Sheep

Stop talking to me right now!

You've arrived at the office with a bottle of liquor wrapped in a black pastic bag ... you're the picture of class right now. How you are related to your cousin (see post dated: 09/07/2006), I haven't got a clue.

I wish he (your cousin) would hurry the fuck up in his meeting! Your slow slurred speech is making me lose my patience and you're glarring at me like you're about to kill me.

Holy shit, you just asked me about my stolen iPod! (see post dated: 09/27/2006) Seems it got back to you that someone may have suggested that you took it the day it went missing [Umm, yeah I did you stupid drunk fuck and the fact that you're asking me about it and denying you took it makes it obvious you did.] I can't stand you being here right now and no I'm not going to let you into the office to have an espresso. Fuck off and get a job. Take a shower too while you're at it.

Oh thank God ... you're gone. You know, even your cousin cringes when I let him know you're here to see him.

To: Boss

I have to say, I really enjoyed that meeting we just had.

When you asked to see a particular document I had been working on just now, I just knew you were asking because you didn't think I was on top of things. Why you think this is beyond me because I'm fucking fabulous and this place is noticably beneath me, but whatever, back to my story. I sent you the speadsheet and thought I'd explain to you how it works.

ME: [entering your office] Hey, I just sent you that document, if you have a second, I'll explain it.
YOU: Oh yeah, sure thanks.
ME: [some explanation of how it all works which I won't bore anyone with]
YOU: Oh wow. This is really good! It's better than I expected it was going to be. I didn't think you were on top of it.
ME: [what did I tell you?!?! I called it! Bitch didn't think I was on top of things. EFF-you a-hole!]
ME: Really? I had a feeling [cause I can read you like a book dick head]... you shouldn't think that, I've been here for __ years [yeah I'm leaving that part out] and I'm really good at what I do.

So yeah, that was a nice little meeting we had.

And thanks for the extra week vacation you just gave me .... I deserve it.

To: Second-in-Command

As usual, instead of working you have spent the majority of today shopping at Costco and stocking up our kitchen with treats. I'm not bitching, honest ... it's the one thing you do here that I like.

I notice something new in the fridge though. A case of Red Bull?
Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan - I love the stuff ... but are you for real?

I'm just a little concerned with seeing this crew on Red Bull!

Geeks Gone Wild: Computer Camp 2006!!

Barf.

To: Cute Interviewee

Ok wow, you're cute.

There's no way you'll get the job.
We only hire unattractive rejects and you're clearly not that.

I'm rooting for you though. Seriously ... you don't even know.

Good luck!

To: Stink Face

I'm not sure which one of you fucks it was, but when I went into the bathroom just now, you were working on serious science project, mmmkay?!

Yeah, basically you stink.

What's worse, is that you left right away and when I was leaving the bathroom, Undeterminable Accent Guy was on his way in. So yeah, thanks to you, stink face ... he probably thinks I did that.

To: Miss Never Wrong

Last week I noticed you submitted your expenses on an old expense form. Not only that but the numbers on your spreadsheet didn't even add up properly.

Thanks for fixing your mistake and submitting a new one today.
No thanks for not admitting you made a mistake.

ME: thanks for this [holding up your expenses], I'll take care of it today when I do mine. It was just that the other one was on the old form and didn't add up.
YOU: I don't think you told anyone about the new form.
ME: I did. Back in July.
YOU: I don't think so.
ME: Yep, I emailed everyone then. No worries, though ... all taken care of. Thanks.

That last part I said quickly so as to not let you get another word in. Surely if given a second to respond, your mistake would somehow have been my fault. What's the big deal? You made a mistake, so what? Do you think I give a shit? I make mistakes ... everyone makes mistakes ... I'm not sure why you think your so fucking perfect.

To: Too-Cool Sales Guy (con't again)

Ok now it's just rediculous ... do some work you fucking drunk!

In case you don't know what you look like right now, you're sitting at co-worker's desk (who'd like to sit back down and do his work, by the way) talking to the female employees and telling them how we really have to hire more girls here. I'm sure they're loving your chauvinism, you idiot. I bet you're also scoring lots of points with your last MSN Messenger picture of a cartoon stripper swinging around a pole with the caption "I Support Single Mothers". It's a good thing you took that down, it's offensive you fucking prick.

To: Too-Cool Sales Guy (con't)

That was really nice of you to buy champagne for the office to celebrate the completion of some bullshit I don't care about. Really, honestly I mean it.

You're sneaky though. I couldn't help but notice two extra bottles (one open) in the kitchen when I went back to fill up my glass of water. Seems as though you're having a bottle to yourself you little lush. You're face isn't exactly red because you have a tan, Mister.

Seriously though, far be it for me to judge. This place drives me to drink too. You just annoy me that's all, so watching you enjoy yourself makes me sick. I think you're coming down now though ... I notice the glass of water in hand and you just stopped by my desk and had a nonsense conversation with me.

Oh and don't think I didn't see you, Miss Culture-is-my-middle-Name, knocking back a few. I think you actually drank half of the bottle leaving mere scraps to be enjoyed by the employee's who's efforts we're supposed to be celebrating! Nice one; you're classy.

To: Too-Cool Sales Guy

Hmmmm .... what is going on here? You just asked me where the closest liquor store was. The answer, of course, was a no-brainer for me and practically shot out of my mouth like a canon!

You left with Miss Never Wrong and Miss Culture-is-my-Middle-Name, the latter of which I know enjoys a good chardonnay from time-to-time!

Are you buying us drinks for our Staff Meeting and Lunch today? Oh please God, tell me you are!! It has to be ... why else would the three of you go there before noon? [Ok sure, I've been there before noon too but big deal, you would too if you worked here!]

Perhaps you've finally clued in that these meetings are about as bearable as watching an episode of Rachel Ray or listening to Tyra Banks dispense motherly advice on the girls she pimps out on her show to pad her wallet.

Good for you! Let's get totally fucked!

To: Miss Never Wrong

In addition to your inability to accept that you are wrong sometimes, you also don't ever give a shit if I'm busy. Take the conversation we just had for example:

YOU: Oh we never discussed the plans for this week.
ME: You mean the monthly staff meeting and lunch?
YOU: Yeah.
ME: I thought we agreed we were going to order chinese food for about 20 people.
YOU: What about the substitutions we were going to make, did you call them?
ME: I didn't call them today. I've been really busy so either I'll do it later today or tomorrow. I don't really have time to talk about it right now.

You then sit down and make yourself comfortable to continue the converstion

ME: [in my head]: are you fucking deaf bitch? I said I don't have time to talk about it, go away!
YOU: Well, how many people do we have?
ME: [in my head]: I give up! Seriously! You never fucking listen, you always have to have things your way and you're never wrong even when proven to be wrong.
ME: Here's the menu. [I hand you the menu] I don't have time to do this today so either I'll do it tomorrow or you can do it now. I have a lot of work to finish.

You just don't get the hint. You're absolutely impossible. This converstaion did not end until the whole fucking lunch had been planned out, something I told you I was too busy to do right now and would handle tomorrow. I had to actually get up, put my jacket on, and leave the office to run an errand for you to go away!

To: The Second-in-Command (con't)

You just called the office in response to the message that was left for you. Had I stayed longer I may have heard more of this conversation but there's no chance in hell of me staying longer. Period.

I hear your client thinks you suck.

HAHAHAHA.

I don't know why I get such I kick out of that.

To: The Second-in-Command

You left the office about an hour ago, "to go home and rest".

Hilarious, by the way.

I just overheard that the meeting concerning your project did not go very well and that your name came up quite a bit.

Ummm.... well no fucking wonder!? You weren't even at this meeting because you were at home "resting"!! How can anyone put faith in you to accomplish anything?

To: Annoying Non-Employee

Ok, here's an example of what I'm talking about:

All I wanted to do was come over to your area and send a fax. From your desk, you yell over to me:

"Hey, did you see the new bird they discovered?"

No. No I didn't!! Nor do I give a shit!

What makes you think I care?

To: Divorcee with a Cough

Could you please see a doctor for your cough? Something is just not right here. You have been coughing for weeks now! I pity the Arrogant Co-Worker (you know, the guy with bad dandruff who once asked me for a pad of lined refill? WTF?!) who sits across from you; you're basically spraying his face with your venom every day.

While we're at it, I have another favour to ask. I think I can speak for most of us here when I say that we are truly sick of hearing about your divorce proceedings. I don't care and if I could, I'd divorce you from this office.

I'm sure all of this takes a toll on you but a quick visit to the doctor for the cough would be a start. Changing your diet (which I've observed is horrendous) and working-out might help that stretched portion of your stomach that is almost covering your crotch like a mud-flap if you were a truck. And a tan would be good too.

To: Annoying Non-Employee

Ok your thing is this: you're not actually employed by our company but you work for one of our biggest clients and since you don't want to live where their headquarters are, you rent office space from us.

I just have a favour to ask of you.

Please stop asking me where people are when you can't find them.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE!!
Why the fuck would I know? What makes you think I know? Why the fuck would I care?

Please stop annoying me!

To: The Arrogant Middle-Ager with Bad Skin

Did you just look me up and down as you walked by me? You better not have you arrogant dick!

I'm not sure what this whole long leather coat look thing you have going on is all about but it's not working and you look stupid. It's like you lurk around the office in this outfit thinking you have this coolness factor that puts you above the rest. Sweetheart, the coolest person here is me and it's painfully obvious to anyone that walks in the door. It's like they see me and then they see the rest of you fucks and they start looking for the Unicef box where they can donate money to raise funds so I can flee this geek-ridden country ... er i mean office.

And your face ... shit, don't get me started on that. Ever heard of cleanser? an exfoliant? an effing dermatologist?!?! It looks like it hurts.

To: Undeterminable Accent Guy

Umm what did you just say? You sing?! Did you really just tell my boss that you sing??? Holy fuck this is crazy! You can't even speak English properly without sounding like a drunk and you want me to believe you're a singer?!

To: The Summer Intern

So I did some investigative work to see if I could get to the bottom of why you called here last week.

You wanted a reference letter.

I went out-of-town for the weekend and left the office a little early on Friday but I hear that you stopped by to pick up said letter. I'm sooooo sorry I missed you. Actually, I'll be honest, I am sort of sorry I missed you because I know you would have either looked, said or done something stupid which would have made for a good story.

I hear, however, that you kissed one of my co-workers while here and it was gross. Of course it was, no surprise there. Why do you do that? It's cruel.