The fact that you are here now setting up the food makes me want to die.
It means I'm less than 2 hours away from faking interest and making small talk with people I don't care to talk to and who probably don't give a shit to talk to me either.
Ummm ... do you think we could uncork one of those bottles now? One of the servers just arrived. Perhaps I'll go make friends with her ...
The last person who was early for an interview here, was clearly a lunatic. She jumped from her seat to the floor to smell an artifical flower on the coffee table and, believing it was real, told me how pretty it was.
Being punctual is a good thing, but sweetie you're a full hour early for your interview. When I told you that you may want to leave and come back, you chose to wait here.
Why? .... Why?!?!
I think I get it. I think I've figured this place out. This is where all the crazies come to die.
Wow you guys are setting up in here like there's going to be a full house at tomorrow evening's snore-fest! I hope you don't mind carrying some of this shit back with you because the guest list is not that long ... or impressive for that matter. Let me relate to you a converation I just had:
BOSS: How many are on that list right now? [like you haven't been asking me the same thing all fucking day long!!] ME: 15 [3 of which are members of your family ... that's really sad] BOSS: Ok and I have an additional 10 to add to the list ME: Ok, do you want to give me there names? BOSS: Yeah .. well umm, it's a rough estimate. I've been asking people who work around the neighborhood. ME: [Oh great, so essentially you've invited the mail man? Perhaps the ladies who work in the deli downstairs? Good one.]
Wow ... 10 minutes have just elapsed and you're back to ask me how many people work here! Hilarious. Yes, our large staff [that's a joke, just for the record, this is a small office] are going to be used to pad the numbers ... make it look like there's people here.
But I digress ... back to you caterers: I must say you've done an impressive job setting up in here but I'll bet you've brought too many bottles of wine. By the looks of it we've planned about 3 bottles per guest! Wow, I wonder what time the wet t-shirt contest will begin?
Those of you who have not RSVP'd for this pathetic event tomorrow evening are getting a call or email from me today. Are you coming or not?!
You probably haven't replied because you're not coming and I don't blame you ... I wouldn't waste your time if I were you ... unfortunately I don't have the choice. We've never done this sort of thing and the planning for it has been a joke.
It's a good thing we're serving wine at this thing! Trust me - you'll be glad too.
This is seriously cutting into my important dinner plans!
YOU: [walking by my desk with two co-workers] Be back in 5 minutes. I know you won't be. ME: [Umm, yeah that's right mother-fucker, I won't be. Screw you dickhead] Ok.
Wow ... the kindness of a stranger stikes again! What are you trying to do? Melt my cold, dead heart?
All I really wanted to do just now was pay for the all the food I ordered for our staff lunch last week. I wasn't expecting the free lunch and chocolates you gave me! Very nice of you.
Truth be told, had this not happened, my next stop was your competitor down the street where I was headed to cash in my loyalty card which now has 10 stamps on it. I think I have an addiction to meatball subs. Don't judge me!
I generally pay no attention to you whatsoever but today when I exited the washroom and walked down the hall into the kitchen, I had no choice but to encounter your unfortunate face.
YOU: [sort of looking nervous, you hold up the danish or pastry type item you are eating] I know, not the most nutritious. ME: [dude, I don't give a fuck] Hey, I'm not judging.
HAHAHAHA. If you only knew! It's not like I'm going to go to my desk and blog about you or anything!
One of those stupid balls you hit around the office just rolled across the floor to my feet. Guess where it's going? Yup ... in the garbage like all the others I find.
You guys are fucking losers.
Oh and Too-Cool: ... no, I couldn't hear the thumping bass noises you asked me about. I also don't care that you're playing music in your office. It's probably crap anyway.
How you have conversations with anyone is beyond me! The lazy, slurred, drawn out sounds that come out of your month that you think are English are anything but. Maybe the part of your brain that controls speech doesn't function properly.
When I just over heard you asking someone, "Hayun ona gaw won?"
It seriously took me minutes of repeating that sound in my head and considering the person's answer to conclude you were trying to say, "Hey, you've only got one?"
I'm not sure if you know this yet or not, but I don't think your contract here is going to be renewed. I just prepared an employment offer letter for a new salaried employee for your position.
When I arrived to work (late) this morning you were on your way out.
What I don't understand is why you were asking me if you needed to press a certain button on the wall to open the exit door to get out. Did you not just see me walk in the door that was wide open?
I'm not sure what to make of you yet. You're actually kind of cute in a way. I love geeks. Seriously, if you're hot but a geek (a cool geek though), I'm all over you. It helps if you're foreign too. I don't know what it is.
[Truth be told, this place is crawling with geeks but only those on the absolute lowest end of the gene pool seem to make the cut and get hired here. Oh yes, it's not pretty. Not at all.]
Thank you. It is really nice to see that there are people like you out there.
I had just realized that I had lost my streetcar token as the streetcar was approaching and sensing my frustration, you kindly offered to give me one of yours.
You're funny. Your reaction to my scarf hanging on the coat rack with my jacket was hilarious!
YOU: [approaching the coat rack, confused look on your face] What the hell is this? ME: What? YOU: [lifting a corner of my scarf like its a rag] This! ME: It's a scarf [It's a essentially a old distressed looking argyle scarf ... totally hot just for the record] YOU: Looks like something that belongs to a homeless person! [well yes, or Mary-Kate Olsen] ME: Hey! It costs a lot of money to look homeless you know!
So yeah, thanks for that email you sent me yesterday about the things on my desk that shouldn't be there left out in the open. Perhaps if you hadn't sat at my desk and rifled through my things while I was at home sick, you nosey prick, none of that shit would be there out in the open.
You're quiet and well-manner and all ... but shit are you ever nervous all the time! I'm not your boss ... relax! You seem so tense and scared when you talk to me. I think I'll have to show you where they keep the liquor around here ... maybe that'll loosen you up a bit.
I think your nerves got the better of you just now and made you crazy or something. You're filling out your new hire forms and I sent you an email on who can be listed as a dependent on your benefits. A dependent is someone 20 years of age and under who is a child of yours.
The look on your face when I told you that you couldn't list your husband was priceless.
Just so we're clear - your husband is not 20 years old or under [at least I hope not since you're like 500] and he's also not a child of yours [no law that I know of allows that ... and it's gross].
Did you seriously just walk by me and then look behind you to see if I was checking you out or something?
I can assure you asshole, that any time you walk by me, my eyes don't move even slightly in your direction. You're a disaster to look at and torture to listen to. You wear pants that are too short for you, you have sideburns that are so long they have their own hair style and your skin looks like sandpaper. No, I take that back. It looks like lumpy cottage cheese or like a food item that has spoiled.
(formerly "Colleage with Courier Problems" - Sept 5/06)
Umm ok don't get all snarky with me lady! I simply asked you if you thought we'd have all this work finished by the end of the day because I don't plan on being here on Monday.
Your response?
"That is my hope too"
So yeah that's great ... I know we both want it to be finished but answer the damn question! Is it going to be or what? I hope you're working your ass off over there missy because the minute that clock strikes 5, I'm gone.
Wow you really put on a show just now! A freak show, that is.
I think it is always good to arrive early for an interview so you get points there but you actually arrived before the person who was scheduled before you which made you TOO early ... so I take those points back.
Because you clearly had time to kill ... and a lot of it ... you tried to engage me in conversation. I wasn't biting. I don't even like talking to the people who are here now, what makes you think I want to talk to you?
I just about died, however, when you jumped out of your seat and on to your knees in front of the coffee table to smell the orchid on the table.
YOU: OH ... such a pretty flower! [you then touch the pettles and smell it] ME: [dying inside] Oh, it's actually fake. It's an artificial orchid. YOU: [clearly embarassed, and you should be] Oh, it looks so real. ME: [you're an idiot, and you're annoying me] Yeah, it's great. YOU: [still on the floor on your knees looking like you have the brain capacity of a hyperactive child] Did you buy it? ME: [shut the fuck up and get off the floor, seriously, this is unreal] Um, no ... someone else in the office picked it up. YOU: Oh, where is it from? ME: I'm not sure [nor do I give a shit] YOU: Oh, it's so pretty [finally getting off the floor]
You're clearly a lunatic. I'm sure they will hire you ... I'll get your desk ready.
I'm glad you were at the office early today. I forgot my security pass at home this morning and wouldn't have been able to get in otherwise. Actually worse things could happen ... not getting in to the office might have actually been nice, but I'm sure short-lived at best.
Anyway ... I'm sorry but I really hate small talk (just as much as I hate when people walk in front of me on the sidewalk) and chatting with you this morning while waiting for the kettle to boil was painful.
YOU: It's getting cold out. ME: Yeah. YOU: I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to walk form the train station to the office without having to take the subway. ME: Yeah. I actually live a 15 minute walk from here so it's actually quicker for me to walk. I hope it's not a cold winter because I'd rather not take the subway. YOU: And you get your practice. ME: [Ummm what? I get practice? Practice doing what? Walking? I think I walk perfectly fine thanks.] YOU: I don't know about you [grasping your stomach region] but I don't do a lot of practice. ME: [OH!! I get it! When you say "practice", you are referring to working out! Ok well, duh ... you also don't brush your teeth or moisturize - this is not a surprise to me.] YOU: See, there is a fine art to this [You are now trying to show me your unique method of making your coffee in the morning.] ME: [What is taking this kettle so long to boil?! I need to get out of here!]
I'm really kicking myself for forgetting my security card at home now. Not only did I have to endure that meaningless exchange, but I won't be able to use the shortcut to the kitchen and will have to walk by your desk all day!
I lied to you. I do know where your golf clubs are.
I saw my boss hide them behind his filing cabinet yesterday.
Seems as though I'm not the only one who is sick and tired of your no-work, all-play attitude.
The other day when you were hitting balls around the office with your golf clubs, it was like a fucking carnival in here! The noise was completely unbearable. You really need to grow up.
Oh and I also threw another one of those balls in the garbage too.
