To: Nervous New Hire

You're quiet and well-manner and all ... but shit are you ever nervous all the time! I'm not your boss ... relax! You seem so tense and scared when you talk to me. I think I'll have to show you where they keep the liquor around here ... maybe that'll loosen you up a bit.

I think your nerves got the better of you just now and made you crazy or something. You're filling out your new hire forms and I sent you an email on who can be listed as a dependent on your benefits. A dependent is someone 20 years of age and under who is a child of yours.

The look on your face when I told you that you couldn't list your husband was priceless.

Just so we're clear - your husband is not 20 years old or under [at least I hope not since you're like 500] and he's also not a child of yours [no law that I know of allows that ... and it's gross].