To: Bald Longback

So you can't complete the new hire forms today because your social insurance number from your work permit is going to expire the first week of the New Year and that may complicate you being paid. It is in the process of being renewed so you want to check with your wife tonight to see if this has happened yet.

Someone married you? WOW! Why am I single then?

I'm not sure if any of what you told me made any sense. You speak in a very nervous manner, your voice very broken at times. What I understood was that your wife has some type of permit because she works in a bar [ummm... she was issued a permit to come here from another country to work in a bar?? Like no one in this country was willing to take that job that we had to look abroad?] and because of that you are permitted to work as well but just not in the education field [WTF?]

Did anyone here even bother to ask you any of these things when you were interviewed?

It's all very interesting.

To: Bald Longback

"I'm dreaming of a WHITE Christmas ... just like the ones I used to BLOW"


I take it you had a white Christmas?

I also take it there were flurries on your way in to work this morning.

Dude seriously, it's not even 9:30 and your snort nose is blowing your cover.

I'm on to you.

To: Bald Longback

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were having a white Christmas right now and it hasn't even snowed here yet.

I'm going to keep an eye on you ... I have a feeling you just went to powder your nose if you know what I mean.

To: Coffee Shop Employees

I was very polite with you this morning but I'm sure you could see how I could have been frustrated with you this morning. I was, but I did not let it show.

ME: Hi, I'll have a toasted cinnamon-raison bagel with cream cheese and a medium coffee with one sweetener and milk.
GIRL AT CASH: cinnamon-raisin?
ME: Yes, toasted please.
GIRL AT CASH: and how many creams with your coffee?
ME: [are you listening at all? I said milk!] no cream just milk.
GIRL AT CASH: $2.28 please
ME: [waiting ... and waiting ... and waiting ...]
BAGEL GUY to GIRL AT CASH: cinnamon-raisin just toasted?
GIRL AT CASH: yes
ME: [what? JUST toasted? what about my cream cheese?]
BAGEL GUY TO ME: [handing me bagel] cinnamon-raisin bagel just toasted?
ME: [ugh ... I knew it!] no, with cream cheese too please [by now the long line of people behind me has been replaced with another long line of fresh faces ... have I been here forever? Is this the lunch rush now?]

So yeah ... first the cream/milk mix-up, then the no cream cheese fiasco combined with the 3 hours I had to wait to get the damn thing ... it's not a big deal, really. I'm just sayin's all!

To: Undeterminable Accent Guy

I just overheard you telling someone that it was easy for you to learn English.

You're joking right?

To: Christmas Party Guests

So this is over with for another year and no one is happier but me.
Not as painless as I had anticipated but longer than I had hoped.

A few words...

To: Recent Divorcee
When you left your son at the table to get more food and chat with people, my date and I talked about explicit sex in front of your son.

To: Bad-Skin Arrogant Guy
Was your date a stripper? No, really, I mean it. She looked like a skank.

To: Too-Cool
Your wife looks like a man.

To: Undeterminable Accent Guy
My date couldn't understand you either.

To: Boss
Thanks for the gift. I'm going to see if I can return it and exchange it for something I really want.


If I have to suffer through another one of these next year, and here's hoping I don't, let's not do this on the weekend. Cuts into my social time, mmmkay? That said, I did still manage to meet friends and go dancing until 5:00am so I guess all is well. Happy Holidays!

To: Boss

While you were away, the Christmas gifts that you are giving to us at the office Christmas Party this weekend arrived. Don't worry, I haven't told everyone what we're getting this year.

I admit, it's a nice gift.

I don't want it, however, and I plan on returning it to the store in hopes of exchanging it for something else.

Had you bought these at full price, perhaps I could get something really nice but they're 70% off right now from the store you bought them.

Typical.

To: Too-Cool

You're a fucking liar.

Don't try to tell me you send me some email that you never did.

You did not send it to me, hence why I have been asking you for it all week.

I'm moving ahead with this project now without your input. Screw you, dickhead!

To: Other-Office Colleague

You just called me with one the types of calls I've bitched about in the past! Why?! Why?! Do you do it?!! I don't understand!

YOU: Hi, I just called and left a message for [name withheld] and he's not there.

*silence*

ME: [OMG! Yes you're right, he's not there, hence you leaving a message. What the fuck do you want me to do about it?! Oh wait, hold on, let me drop everything I'm doing right now to go walk around the office to see if he is here. If it's in a meeting, I'll go interrupt it so he can take your call. If he's in the bathroom, I'll pull him away from the urinal mid-stream so he can take your call. If he's out for lunch, I'll comb the fucking city so I can find him for you!!]

Oh let me just go see if he's here then.
[slamming the phone on to a pad of paper as I walk away ... I notice he's here, tell him you're calling and transfer the call but did something wrong and hung-up on you. Ha ha]

To: Too-Cool

You're moving really fast on the hiring don't you think?

You interviewed a guy this morning who is now back in your office signing an offer letter?!

I couldn't help but notice this latest reject arrived with a piece of toilet paper stuck to his neck from where he cut himself shaving this morning. That's classy.

Ok maybe I'm wrong ... maybe it wasn't toilet paper. I'll admit, I did only glance at him quickly. There wasn't much to look at there, you know? If I'm wrong, what could it be? Whatever. It's gross, it's just gross, ok?

To: Crazy Caller

You're a total freak of nature. You use to call our office before we moved to our new location and leave the strangest messages on our voicemail about biblical shit and things in Germany. It's been so long since we've heard from you. You just called me though:

YOU: Today we have Santa Claus in Germany.
ME: Did you want to speak to someone here?
YOU: Is Goonda at home?
ME: There's no one here with that name
YOU: My dear Goonda?
ME: Goodbye.

You know, come to think of it. You're probably perfectly suited for a job here. You'd fit the freak quotient just fine.

To: Bald-Longback

I knew the minute you walked in the door, you'd get the job.

I'll never understand the bald-longback thing. You're bald ok? You have no hair on your head. Why? Why then do you feel it necessary to grow what hair you do have really long at the back. Are you not able to see what the rest of us see?

So yeah basically you're a reject like the rest ... welcome aboard.

To: Undeterminable Accent Guy

Yet again, you've come to my desk to open a letter, this time using my scissors.

YOU: I'm just going to borrow this [picking up my scissors]
ME: [looking up from my work, I see you are going to open a letter with them] We probably have spare scissors in the supply cupboard, you can help yourself if you'd like.
YOU: [some slurred garbled up mess that I would translate as:] do we have some there?
ME: [picking up my letter opener and handing it to him] here, take this. You can have it. I don't need it.
YOU: [something undeterminable]
ME: no, seriously just take it. It's yours.

Please never come over to my desk for something like this ever again.
I hope you like your new letter opener. Open as many letters as you want with it.

You know, come to think of it. You don't receive any mail here at the office.
Where are all these letters coming from?
Are you bringing your mail from home to the office so you can open it with my letter opener?
WTF?!

To: Undeterminable Accent Guy

I don't understand the world you live in.

I thought that coming over to my desk to open an letter with my letter opener was bad enough. Today you came over to open a package of that "Multi-Use" paper with my scissors. The paper is packaged in paper!! You couldn't just tear it open?! Didn't you feel like an idiot when I took it out of your hands and tore the package open while you stood there like an idiot with my scissors in your hand?

To: Miss Culture is My Middle Name

By the way, you were really obvious last night when that hot guy arrived to the office and we spotted him looking at the examples of our work we have hanging on the walls.

YOU: "WHO is THAT?" [twirling around, looking down and then up, fixing your hair]
ME: I don't know.

I would have rode his face too honey but I'm more subtle than you.

To: Late RSVP

Thanks for your RSVP to the office reception that you just sent now.

Oh, you're unable to attend?

Yeah no shit you idiot, it was last night!

To: Colleague Talks-a-Lot

I will just say this of last night's office reception - you were by far the highlight for me. Normally I avoid you like the plague, but last night, your stories kept me entertained.

Your son is quite tall, you said. Over 6 feet, I believe. This you attribute to your "recipe for tallness" in which you required him to lay horizontally for 10 minutes per day after some physical activity among a few other rediculous things like a special diet you fed him. Do you really believe that you willed him to be tall? Like you have the secrets to a fool-proof method to tallness? You're so full of shit.

I apologize that I accidently could not hold back some laughter when you were discussing your fitness regime that combines elements of tai chi with belly-dancing. It's called Nia, you say. I actually just googled this and I'm shocked, this shit is real. Picturing you do it, however, is frightening. I told you I want you to give us a demonstration at the Chirstmas party this year .. ha ha .. and don't think I'm going to forget!

To: Second-in-Command

Did I just hear you say what I think I heard?

A co-worker going through a divorce right now has brought his son to work [for whatever reason, I don't know nor care] and I'm positive I just heard you ask this kid who he likes more, his mom or his dad!

Do you really think that's appropriate?

Are you going to try to make him cry later too?

To: Handsome Stranger

You put a smile on my face this morning despite the torrential rain I had to endure on my walk to work.

When we both glanced over at each other while waiting for the light to change so we could cross the street, I thought you were pretty cute. Loved the houndstooth blazer, by the way. Geek chic drives me crazy!

When we got to the other side, parted ways and both did the look-back and smile – that sealed the deal.