Ugh ... I can't believe you are in one of my regular meetings now. I was hoping that when I asked you what you were doing there you would realize you were in the wrong meeting. No such luck.
Oh and your vocabulary is hilarious. Do you think about what you are going to say before you say it? Like do you consciously try to sound intelligent? I dunno ... sounds forced to me.
I just offered to take a message for a co-worker and you asked me if this was a live message.
A live message.
No asshole, I'm a machine. I'm a very intelligent machine who is able to understand everything you are saying and therefore can respond appropriately to everything you say.
Plain and simple you are just annoying to work with.
Literally 2 minutes after I received and read the email you sent to me you called me and essentially repeated exactly what you had sent me in your email.
I can read mmmkay?!
Calling me 2 minutes after sending your email isn't going to make me work any faster.
You were in a meeting before I left the office yesterday and you received a call. Let me just explain what went down.
ME: Hello? CALLER: [Bald Longback] does not have voicemail. ME: [and how are you? ... Who the fuck are you and why are you calling me about this?] Oh. He actually does have voicemail, perhaps he has not set it up yet. I'll let him know to do this. CALLER: I find it utterly unacceptable when he is emailing me for information for him not to have voicemail box for me to leave him a message in. ME: [Sweetie, I really don't give a shit mmmkay? I'm also not buying this act of yours. My guess is that you are that trash-ass highschool ho he showed up here with the other day trying to act cool on the phone because your loser 38-year-old friend has a job in a place that's all, to use your own words, "office-y"] Ok. Well, if you'd like to leave a message with me, I'll pass it on to him. [Or better yet Reject, why don't you just reply to the emails he has been sending you. Just a thought.] CALLER: He is asking me about rivers and I would suggest the [name of river] River. I think it's most interesting. ME: [Ummm yeah ok. I can see how this message is extremely important.] Ok thanks.
So set up your voicemail so that you and your play friends can play office together and not waste my time. She better not call me again. If that wasn't her and I'm wrong, then bitch needs to get laid.
OK first let me explain why I've given you this name. Basically, I don't know what your name is. See, you have 3 names, the order in which they are to be read is a mystery to me. Your employment letter says one thing, you've told people to call you another, and from what I understand one of these words actually means Mr. and isn't really part of your name anyway. I think I've been calling you by your last name this whole time. Whatever, I've given you a new name; don't like it - too bad, you're stuck with it.
So you blew a fuse in the kitchen. I was totally in the middle of instant messaging 3 friends while typing an email to another. Can't you see I'm busy?!
It's fine, it's not your fault. You just can't have the toaster oven on at the same time as the microwave. Yes, it's that sad. Oh and don't even think of turning the kettle on if the coffee machine is on at the same time.
You’re explanation of it, however, is like one I’ve never heard before.
ME: [walking toward office building with lunch in hand] YOU: [smoking] ME: [smile in acknowledgement] YOU: [raising cigarette up] doing my facial exercises
Umm, you’re doing what?
Ok, so correct me if I am wrong here but when you smoke you are essentially wrapping your lips around something and sucking. OK fine there’s no tongue action, but what the fuck are you talking about? You’re the one who showed up to work with cold sores after a few days off, remember? Maybe I was right about you.
You just returned from one of you many smoke breaks with what I can only assume is your friend or something - some goth-looking girl I'd guess is in highschool. (I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth). I could hear her tripping on her way up the stairs. Those stupid platform army boots she was wearing would be the cause I'm sure.
HER: Oh wow, it's all office-y and stuff ME: [Oh God, you're a real winner aren't you?]
I'm so glad she didn't stay.
I'm not sure I understand what you, a 38 year-old freak of nature, has in common with a highschool freak of nature. Oh wait ... I think I just answered my own question.
Oh forgive me, I forgot you were the coolest person alive.
YOU: [walking past my desk] ME: Oh hey, I have some stuff here for you. YOU: My hands are full. ME: [Oh, you're so cool. Sooo cool.] ME: [Throwing them over on to the edge of my desk] Ok, they're here whenever you want them.
Your hands couldn't have been that full as you stopped to pick your shit up anyway.
I didn't even care when after spending a good 9 hours dancing and making-out with you on New Year's Eve that you decided to just go home the next day and not come home with me.
Last night, however, made up for it. After my friend spotted you on the dancefloor, I had to say hello. That was it ... you had me again. You and me ... all night again.
I'm glad you decided to come home with me this time. My clothes are still strewn around my living room floor as a reminder, my shirt ripped from being torn off.
I couldn't tell if the stifling heat in your office was coming from the heat vents or if it was actually just your hotness smacking me in the face. Perhaps both.
Was it wrong for me to open my coat and undo the top few buttons of my shirt while inquisitively listening to travel details? What's this $900 charge on my credit card for? Did I book a vacation? Where am I going? Or ... where are we going?
All kidding aside ... thanks hotness ... looking forward to a fun-filled, liquor-soaked, slutty week in the sun. So yes, any other week just with more sun. I have my eye on a white bathsuiting. That damn thing better be transparent when wet!!
I've been told that I'm friendly with a face you can trust, but wow did you ever take that to the extreme!
I didn't need to know that you and your boyfriend of three months recently had a fight where he didn't call you for two days afterwhich he questioned where you wanted him most, in your life or in between your legs! So you retaliated by not calling him and he called you eight times because "two can play that game".
Every time you walk by me on your way out for one of your smoke breaks, which I notice you do on the hour every hour, you breathe like some sort of wild animal or something. Its like this heavy breathing with a sort of mild grunting type noise like you're a wild boar. Sometimes when I look up, you even have this crazy stare in your eyes. Its totally animalistic.
Seriously, you're frightening to look at sometimes.
What you said just now really caught me off-guard, but I died laughing on the inside.
YOU: [approaching my desk, noticing a package from amazon.com] Hey [insert my name here], you've got a big box! ME: [OMG, hilarious ... but wait, who have you been talking to?!]
When you arrived this morning, I thought you were just here for an interview. I just found out today is your first day. Well kudos to the powers-that-be; they have finally hired someone that doesn't make my eyes bleed when I look at them. You're cute. You're not super hot, drop-dead gorgeous or anything but you have that geeky sort of cuteness that I'm so fond of. Basically, I wouldn't kick you out of bed.
I'll call you Cute New Hire for now, but that will change once I get to know you better.
I just overheard someone explaining to you that the expression "burning rubber" doesn't actually mean to literally burn rubber but rather to drive fast.
I don't get it?! Are your eyes magnets and me and my desk metal or something?
Get over your obsession with what I'm doing or what's on my desk, it drives me fucking crazy!
What do you seriously think I'm doing?!
I love how yesterday you came over to me, stopped and said, "Oh, I was going to ask you something but now I forget." Yeah right, that's bullshit. You seem to forget what you were going to ask me on a weekly basis. Next time you do it, I'm going to get you some ginko biloba and tell you to take it for your weak memory.
Like seriously, the level of your regular speaking voice needs to be brought down a few notches. I know you're not yelling or anything, its just the way you speak.
Going to follow the lead of the new hire working beside where you're having your conversation right now. In case you didn't notice, he probably put those headphones on to drown you out.
You and Tool-Cool have this thing with the heat in here.
First of all, its usually too cold in here and for some reason the thermostat can only be turned up so high until its on some sort of lock or something which doesn't allow the dial to move any higher.
Tool-Cool turns it right off everytime he walks by it. [I'm careful not to stick my tongue on something metal at this point for fear I would be stuck there for good. Umm yeah its that cold.]
If not me, then shortly thereafter someone will turn it back up. Seriously up down up down up down ... all day. Its like a game of cat and mouse ... or rather cat and I-don't-want-to-die-of-hypothermia.
YOU: [approaching from the boardroom] wow, its hot in the boardroom [you then turn the heat down or maybe off because I'm beginning to fear that within minutes my left side will have frozen and become immobile] ME: Oh right yeah ... I meant to tell you the other day that [co-worker's name here] was asking me about the heat. She's freezing. She's not the only one too, many people have complained that it is too cold in here. YOU: Tell the guys downstairs and they'll fix it ME: [Fix it? Ummm yeah sure, how about you not turn it down you idiot?! You think maybe that's why people are cold? Hmmm? Maybe cause you're turning the heat down right now? Let's start by keeping the heat on. If people are still cold, then maybe there's something to fix.] Yeah ok, sure. I'll let them know.
You're not married after all! Well ok, maybe you are ... but you're separated. That makes so much more sense. I try to separate myself from your general vicinity every day.
I discovered this when you listed the same person on your new hire forms as a spouse and a friend. WTF?
Oh and the work permit you submitted yesterday clearly states on it that you must leave the country ... 5 days ago. I guess they're going to give you the benefit of the doubt and let you work here pending the renewal or whatever. I can't say I'm surprised but I honestly don't give a rat's ass. You'll probably do stupid things and I'll write about them.
Until now you haven't produced any documentation that indicates that you are legally allowed to work in this country. Today I was told that if you don't, you will have to be terminated. Every answer I get from you is so shady.
I love how this never came up in your interview. Seriously, next week the homeless guy on the corner will be appointed to senior management.
You are very good a suggesting things but when faced with doing the actual work, you fail miserably.
You just pulled me away from my work to discuss some upcoming company events with two others. You are the one who suggested we go bowling (umm ... barf) so you fucking plan it then! Where do you get off telling me I have to plan it? Fuck you. It was your fucking idea. I don't even want to be a part of it, let alone plan the damn thing.
I don't get it. No one here is remotely interesting to hang out with ... why are you always so adamant about doing these events? Half of the people here couldn't care less!
Oh, and I'm calling you Complains-a-Lot. I know that if I write about you again, it will be because you are complaining about something. That's your thing. You complain. A lot.
I arrived at the coffee shop this morning before you. As I watched the lady prepare and wrap my bagel, I thought for sure you weren't going to show. As she handed it to me, the corner of my eye spotted you walk in. *sigh*
You got in line as I took a few napkins. I turned around, looked at you, you looked at me, and out I walked.
See you tomorrow morning ... and don't be so late next time.
If task B can not begin until task A is completed, don't tell me all the reasons why task B needs to be done and when it needs to be done for. I fucking told you, task B can not begin until task A is done ... and task A is not done. When all the requisite information is received by me to complete task A, then I'll fucking start working on task B. One can not be done without the other and you know that you idiot.
I want it finished just as much as you do. Probably moreso. This is the time of the month where I have to deal with you constantly calling me about things ... ugh, I hate it already.
It is, however, Friday and 5:00pm. Excuse me while I leave here, have dinner, join some friends for cocktails and get totally fucked.
Oh you again ... I knew it was only a matter of time before you resurfaced.
Remember back in the fall when I held that meeting with you and my boss to essentially tell you that I didn't think it was in our best interest to do any business with you because your projects where a nightmare to manage, understand and bill correctly? I do. After that you disappeared ... a small victory for me. I hated working with you because although you appear very friendly, I think you're sort of crazy.
We all think so too. Back when we actually did work with you and your photo was included in some marketing literature being used, our graphic designer was asked to re-touch your photo as your bright red lipstick made you look (and I quote), "special".
What do you want now? Perhaps you could pay us the bills that I've sent you over and over again for the last few months. Oh and I'm not buying your story that my previous boss said not to worry about them. You're so full of shit.
When I arrived at the coffee shop around the corner from my work this morning to grab a bagel for breakfast, I was hoping you'd be there. To my disappointment you were not.
However, on my way out, you were on your way in. When you held the door for a few of us to exit and smiled at me as I did, I practically wet myself with excitement. You're so fucking hot. We have to meet. Screw the New Year budget, I'll be buying breakfast there every morning until we do.
Dude seriously ... do you ever wear pants that are the correct length?
It's not even like you're super tall or something and possibly have difficulty finding pants that fit properly. Your pants are always about an inch too short for you. Again today ... same thing. It's horrible.
