OK ... I had a feeling what happened tonight was going to happen. I think I wanted it to happen while at the same time, I just didn't care anymore ... and I don't. We'll talk tomorrow about this. You need to end things with the other one now if you want any of this to continue.
I enjoyed tonight. Your constant alluding to getting me naked, I could have done without but nonetheless it's better that you do than you don't, right?
As far as I know, you went to bed after I left and I believe that you did. As far as you know, I went home to bed I after I left.
I didn't. I changed my shirt that was stained by .... well, by what happened and joined my friends for a cocktail. Oh, and I'm not meeting you in the morning like you want ... I'm sleeping in. Please don't call and wake me up. I've had a long week. Thanks for tonight though ... I needed that.
Umm wow! I never noticed this before but you're eyebrows are out of control!
On each brow you have a single hair that grows out about an inch in length. They're fucking huge! Why don't you remove them? It's not like you don't know they are there. Seriously dude ... they're like long enough that you can probably even see them yourself because they've grown so far as to be in your regular line of sight!
I worked late tonight in preparation for a big meeting tomorrow.
You walked into the kitchen while I was copying some documents to use the fax machine and didn't bother to acknowledge me.
Umm hello? Hi .. yeah I'm new here ... don't I look like a stranger to you?! Why don't you say hello or something ... I dunno maybe be friendly or something.
Call me crazy or something but I find that kind of moment a little awkward. Clearly you don't know who I am and I don't know who you are yet; we're standing thisclose to one another and you're not even compelled in the least to welcome me to the firm or even just say hello and introduce yourself or something. Fuck you, you stupid ass-faced bitch. Yeah that's right, you're pretty too. Pretty fucking unfortunate looking!
So I decide to be the bigger person and say hello and extend my hand. Your handshake made me want to smash your face into that fucking copier and then make copies of it for all my friends. Not only did you extend the wrong hand, you didn't even extend it in a handshake manner. It was like you wanted to me kiss it or something and the shake was so limp I almost threw up.
Later when I walked by your office I noticed you were all slouched down in your chair the way Second-in-Command used to sit. So yeah, I hate you already.
You're really putting me in a bit of an awkward position.
I wasn't expecting nor really planning to see you this evening but when I got off work early and got your call, the invitation to grab a coffee or a quick drink sounded good. Also unexpected was your invitation to dinner (apparently your friends - who I met this weekend I like very much - had invited us both for dinner).
I've just returned home and notice that your other half has requested to be my friend on this online social networking site that we're all joining these days. I'm not exactly thrilled about this. I don't really want to have any association with this person because I'm inevitably going to be seen as being the cause of your break-up when in actuality I'm not at all. You're the cause of all this. You should have ended all of this before spending any time with me.
All indications are that you're ending this to be with me. You made reference to it tonight and all your friends have essentially told me this as well. I don't think that you are completely trustworthy and be warned, I'm going to be the one who has the final say. I have a feeling I will say yes ... but I also have a feeling I won't want you for long.
I don't know which one of you motherfuckers it was, but whoever was farting today in our training session makes me sick. Seriously dude ... I almost fell off my fucking chair! I think it even cause my computer to re-boot on it's own!
You're a nice guy and all but you were a overly chatty today in our orientation and training session and it was a bit annoying. Like, when I wasn't looking at you, I could feel you looking at me which made me afraid to turn my head even just slightly in your direction because I know that would make you chat with me more.
I drank a shitload of coffee again today in order to stay awake during that damn session too! The last thing I was in the mood for was small talk ... mmmkay?
This is too easy, I almost don't even want you anymore.
I wasn't expecting you to cancel your trip this weekend but getting together last night was fun and I enjoyed meeting your two friends who joined us. After dinner when you told me you think you've come to decision about your current relationship and that if I'd like to continue to see you, you'd really like that, I knew it was a done deal. I was only surprised that it happened so fast. Dammit, I'm good!
Today we're having lunch and going shopping ... and your other half still doesn't know you're still in the city.
We know a lot of the same people as we're beginning to notice ... and I've been warned about you. Feel free to ask anyone you want about me too ... you won't find any dirt on me as hard as you try.
Seriously honey, everytime you walk past my desk all you do is sigh. I'm a little concerned. No, sorry - scratch that. I'm a little annoyed. It's a little bit on the irritating side. Like, I don't buy it. Everytime I hear it I just think you're doing it to illustrate how busy you are and how important your workload is or something.
I really don't give a shit.
Oh!! Ok and before I forget. This little curling get-together the office is having ... while I agree that it is a great way for me to meet the office in a social setting, I really didn't appreciate your email telling me that you're putting me down as a yes for that reason. Screw you.
You're the cause of the latest scandal in my life.
When I met you Saturday night while out dancing (is that all I ever do?!), I immediately was attracted to you but figured you were probably a total asshole who would completely ignore me. Really hot people do that all the time so I figured you'd be a douce-bag like the rest. I have to say, however, I was wrong about you and pleasantly surprised. Not only were you really nice, but you paid me enough compliments to let it be known you were interested. I was too until my friend came over to introduce me to your other-half who chose to tell me immediately that the two of you were together rather than to say hello. Easy jealously! I'm the innocent one here (for once!)
Why is it that the only people who are interested in me are people who are already in a relationship?!
When I contacted you the next day, it was partly because you asked me to and partly because I've decided that you're going to fall in love with me and break-up with that unfortunate mess that you're dating. Good call on my part, I've got you right where I want you. Not only did we have a date last night but you're looking forward to more and will miss me this weekend as I turned down your invitation to join you in a neighbouring city (one of my favourites, no less).
I normally only have 1 cup of coffee and I usually don't even finish it. Today I had 3 by 11:00am and then a diet Coke with lunch. The third one wasn't really my fault though ... a new co-worker insisted on buying me one and I didn't want to be rude. The diet Coke I had following that at lunch was pure stupidity on my part. What was I thinking?! I was downstairs in the underground concourse at lunch navigating through the sea of office workers like a fucking rat on crack! Ran into a friend and commented how surprised I was that we didn't run into each other this past weekend only to be reminded that we were at the same club on Saturday night, chatted and danced together. Yeah ... I'm so cool. Tomorrow: one coffee only!!
First impressions: It's going to be harder work, and much faster-paced. I'm determined to do well though ... failing is not an option for me at this point.
People: I need to get to know these people better before I give them my own special names. This one woman I originally thought was going to be a bitch turned out to be quite nice and helpful. She told me today that she doesn't say the word "cover sheet", she calls it a "cover page" because with her accent it sounds like she's saying a dirty word. I guess she pronouces "sheet" like "shit". She laughed at that. I laughed just to be polite. I laughed a little too long ... it was the coffee. She's quite short too ... it's kind of oddly distracting to look down to speak to her. When I was walking beside her at one point she made me feel massive and I'm actually quite small.
I had trouble sleeping last night too. Perhaps it was first day jitters. Perhaps it was because I danced the night before until 6am, slept until noon, got up and fell asleep again on the couch from 3-6pm. Yeah that was probably it. It was so much fun though ... a little scandal is brewing but I'm keeping tight lipped about this one at the moment. Yeah I'm looking in your direction TGC! You're lips are as loose as you are! Ha Ha ... you know I love you.
In 2 hours, I'll step out of these doors and put and end to 5.5 years with this company. I'll be closing a chapter of my life, a rather large one at that, and simultaneously beginning a new one. I can't say that it doesn't come without some trepidation. Yes, I'm excited, relieved and very happy. I'm also naturally a bit scared, nervous and apprehensive about what my new future will entail.
When I first started working here, I thought it was great. In many respects, it really is. There are a lot of freedoms here that most companies would not allow. One day I just realized I don't fit here anymore. I am way too cool to be here! LOL. Kidding aside, I am much different that the people I work with. I couldn't imagine actually telling someone truthfully what I did on the weekend! Lately I've been giving you a little glimpse into that, and I'm sure more will follow. Hey! It's my last day of work, you don't actually think I'm going to sit at home and watch re-runs tonight do you?
OK, back to my point here ... The more and more I looked forward to the day I'd find a new job, the more and more the staff here frustrated me. Sometimes I just wanted to say tell someone to fuck off or tell them they're a stupid ho. Obviously that wouldn't be cool - I would have been fired before being able to quit. So, with everyone writing in a blog these days, I thought I'd make one of my own, mix a little humour with my frustration and let 'em have it!
I've mostly written about the people I work with. I see them everyday so naturally they have become these characters in my mind and now on your screens. I have had my favourites for sure and I hope you have as well. Truth be told, I have been thinking for the last few days if I would continue this blog past today or just let this be my swan song.
On Monday a new chapter begins and a whole new set of characters will be introduced to me ... and eventually you. Yes, I've decided I will continue to write. What are these new people going to be like? Will I like them or tolerate them? What nicknames will I give them?
I couldn't help but notice at our monthly staff lunch today, you have no idea what edamame is. I cringed when I saw you load our plate with a pile of it and then pour the sauce over it that was intended for the tempura. What's worse though, is that you ate the whole thing and used your chopsticks to do so!
Miss Culture-is-my-Middle Name ... you too were a disappointment. Don't you think you of all people should at least know what it's called?
I just overheard my boss leaving you a voicemail in which he has offered you my position. Congratulations. You were the second interview candidate and the favourite from the start.
I hope for your sake that you like it here. I hope you're able to make this position your own and develop it in a way that works well for you like I did.
Our morning conversation made me laugh. I might actually miss your inability to communicate.
YOU: So when is your last day? ME: Friday. YOU: This Friday!? ME: Yeah ... 3 more days to go. YOU: Wow ... so soon. Well maybe we can open some of those bottles [motions to the stash of liquor in the office kitchen] ME: Yeah ... and celebrate! YOU: Yeah, we'll have cocktails. We've got the liquor and you bring the jizz. ME: [Pardon me?! Me bring the jizz?! I'm not sure what kind of celebration you had in mind Mister, but I am not bringing the jizz!]
I know what you thought you were saying was "juice" but what you may not be aware of is that "jizz" means something else completely. Try some in a cocktail ... I'm sure you'll see there's a difference. ;)
It's sort of odd that you kept you coat on for your whole interview. The way you left makes me think you don't want to work here. You're obviously smart.
I can hear Boss and Too-Cool laughing right now. That most likely means that Too-Cool made an offensive and inappropriate remark about you ... and Boss is such an ass-kiss to him that he's just giggling because he secretly wants to suck it or something.
You're the second person being interviewed for my position today. You're also really early.
So far I don't think you have any competition as #1 didn't stay very long which I took as a bad sign. I'm not going to speak to you like I did when #1 got here though.
In a second I'm going to slap you though ... you keep nervously flipping through magazines while you wait and it's driving me crazy. We don't even have any interesting magazines here at all.
You're the first person to be interviewed for my position. When you arrived I knew instantly what you were here for and since Boss and Too-Cool were still at lunch I had to ask you just to be sure.
Good luck. Sorry I lied and said it's a good place to work.
Ok fine, it's not that bad ... but they sure are an interesting bunch. Perhaps I'll give you the URL to this blog on your way out. You know, just so you can have all the facts before making any decisions.
You set such a bad example around here. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does.
Sure, I've mentioned the golf in the office and the fact that you recline the boardroom chairs almost horizontally so you can sit in them like a lazy slob, but your lateness is the worst.
You are always late. I don't expect you in the office before 2:00pm anymore. I notice that you are late to meet some guy waiting for you in the reception area. You have not even had the decency to call in to let anyone know of your lateness. I actually called you and left you a message - you did not return the call. I just called you again and you're going to be another half hour. This guy has been waiting for you for 20 minutes already!!
Have some fucking respect! This guy has a life other than waiting around here for you!
Ok wow ... I was not expecting you to just walk in the door just now. In fact, I started wondering if I was even sober and if this was all a bad hallucination! Even a bad hallcuination is better than you in the flesh.
Seems as though you've been repeatedly contacting Second-in-Command and he has not returned any of your calls. When you told me this I laughed hysterically on the inside. I don't blame him, while you're great blog material, you're one annoying fuck.
Some things never change. You still look like crap. You still have a moustache (not pretty on a woman, let me remind you). You still speak in that soft patronizing voice that makes me want to kick you in face. I think you might have even had some dirt on the end of your nose. Were you trying to dig a hole and bury a bone or something?
ME: [phone rings, I answer] Hello? YOU: Hi, my name is [your name here], I'm calling on behalf of the people I represent. Do you have any available positions in your company?
Who the fuck do you represent? Who are these "people" you speak of?
My position is available but it's not going to some dumb ho like you!
I can fuckin' hear you in the fuckin' boardroom from here and every fuckin' second word out of your fuckin' mouth is ... fuckin'!!
Fuck you.
Believe it or not, you and your business partner are actually my favourite clients. You guys are really nice all the time but shit dude, what's with the fuckin' language?! I'm not a prude or anything ... far from it ... I swear a lot myself from time to time. In fact, I think I've even created new swear words you've never heard before ... but seriously ... is it necessary?
Swear word lose their effectiveness if you say them all the time. There really is an art to an unexpected, well-placed swear word in a sentence. Dickface.
ME: Hi, can I have a toasted, cinnamon-raisin bagel with light cream cheese. YOU: What kind of bagel? ME: [seriously? ok, one more time] a toasted cinnamon-raisin bagel with light cream cheese. YOU: Ok and would you like it toasted? ME: [rolling my eyes on the inside] Yes. YOU: And what kind of cream cheese would you like? ME: [are you fucking kidding me? are my lips just moving but not emitting any sound?] Light cream cheese YOU: Oh [giggles, realizing what a dumb fuck you are] right ... sorry.
So I'm sitting here patiently waiting for you and your boss to arrive so we can meet. I'm going to show you how to do a few of the things I do here. It's only been 3 hours ... I'm getting less patient.
Oh and yeah that email you sent me last week about how you will miss me and how you have really enjoyed getting to know me and to work with me and all that ... that was really nice.
YOU: Can I have a glass of water or something? ME:[Umm yeah, sure. Can I get you a burger as well or something? Can't you see I'm listening to my iPod ... you totally just interrupted a bitchin' song too. Thanks.] Yeah sure. YOU: [as I walk away] Should I follow you? ME: No.
When you were speaking to me just now, I just agreed with what you were saying just to make you go away faster.
Sure your idea is good - in fact, it's a suggestion that should have been implemented around here a long time ago. I just don't care. I really don't give a shit. I'm over it.
Two more weeks to go. Suddendly that seems like an eternity.
