When I saw you last night sitting at the bar, I giggled on the inside and squealed with excitement. You still look so adorable. I just wanted to grab you right there, take you home and eat you up. I was all smiles when you saw me and stood up to immediately greet me with open arms and a wet kiss. FUCK!! You drive me crazy!
Two apple martinis later and our friends left to go dancing at our favourite club. I love how the moment they were out of site, you turned to me and said - "You ready to go?" Umm, yeah ... I was ready to go the moment I got there!
You're staying at a friend's condo while he's away and it was only mildly odd to do it in his bed. I hadn't been there before so it wasn't difficult to just imagine it was your place.
I would have spent the night but you were just going to fall asleep and I figured you'd be returning soon enough to your city and your relationship and besides, it was 3:00am ... plenty of time for me to jump in a taxi and join my friends at the club and dance the rest of the morning away.
It's now the next evening and you've just called me from the restaurant we're meeting at for dinner. I'm late. I'm on my way...
When you approached me at a club in the early hours one morning a few weeks back, I blew you off, lied and told you I was seeing someone and gave you a fake phone number. I think I recall the conversation going something like this:
YOU: What's your name? ME: [my name] YOU: Are you single? ME: Yes. YOU: We should do coffee sometime. ME: Oh, well ... I guess I'm sort of seeing someone. YOU: [disappear for a minute and return] I just wanted to tell you that I came over here because you have a great package and you know how to use it. ME: Oh. [pause] Thank you. YOU: Screw the coffee, we'll have cappucino ME: [Oh that was a painfully bad line] YOU: [disappear again for a minute and return] I could just stand here all night and watch you dance ME: [smile ... but no answer] YOU: [disappear again for a minute and return] Dammit, that booty should be registered! ME: [Oh my God! Are you still here?! Leave me the fuck alone!] YOU: [passing your phone] Here, call yourself so I have your number. ME: [dialed a wrong number and pass the phone back] Here you go.
So after that charming exchange you were the last person on Earth I expected to see at the same birthday party I attended Saturday night. To say I was shocked would an understatement. I think it went something like this:
YOU: Hey, your [my name]. This is [my name] right? (said to a friend) ME: Yeah [puzzled] YOU: Do you know where you met me? ME: [no idea] I don't know, [name of club I usually go to here]? YOU: No, but I'll give you a hint. I recognized you across the room there by your ass. I knew I knew you from somewhere and then you turned around. ME: [Oh my God get me out of here!] Oh riiiiight! Hi.
The rest of the conversation is a bit of a blur because I was more fixated on where the closest exits were and not not what you were saying.
I had the strangest dream last night that I found vials of powdered drugs in your desk drawer at work. There was about 6 of them and each one had a small scroll of paper inside with your last name written on them.
I had no idea you were so much fun.
I kid.
I love how you had your name written on them. Like having them in your desk at work was not bad enough.
[You're the youngest of my new set of bossess, hence the name]
I'm not sure if it was the lack of sleep I had over the weekend or the combination of reb bull and coffee I had first thing yesterday morning to get me up, but I found myself half paying attention and have thinking about have sex with you. Part of me is grossed out by this and another part is totally turned on.
OMG you stress me out so much sometimes. Actually no, stratch that ... you stress yourself out so much sometimes. I chose to be stressed by your irrational worries.
You are clearly a perfectionist which is fine and all but I'm afraid that one of these days I'm going to snap at you because of this. You had told me earlier about some health problems you had a few months ago and while I've done a few doctors in my time, I'm not one myself but I can tell you this much - you are not doing yourself any favours by behaving like the world is going to collapse if everything isn't done perfectly and immediately.
You're really nice, I don't want to start hating you.
What is with your constant willingness to find me new work? I don't work for you. Ok granted your intentions are good and you are offering to get me me on board with whatever is going on so that I can be doing new things and learning and all that shit but I just don't see it as your responsibility.
You did this again today. Then you walked away and for some odd reason I was transfixed by your waist. I traced a circle with my eyes as they made their way around your belt. I felt like it took me a good half hour and that I was circling the Earth at the equator!
I'm giving you a new name. You still have a what I think is a bad-dye job but you're like a giant. You're a giant with a bad-dye job.
If you call to speak to my boss and he's not there or not available, why do you always ask me to tell him to give you a call if you're just going to email him what you want immediately after you get off the phone? I've noticed that this is what you do. I don't know why I even bother telling him you called.
I just noticed during this morning's meeting that not only are your eyebrows extremely long and unruly but they are blond while the hair on your head is brown. It's really odd to look it. I caught myself starting at them this morning, I hope you didn't notice.
I've been laying low when it comes to you these days. You're involved with someone else and I don't trust you. I haven't trusted you from the day I met you. You are not relationship material at all.
I only agreed to join you Saturday morning to do errands because I had some of my own to do and I figured by the time we finished I would be able to go straight to my brunch plans with friends. On your agenda was food shopping for a dinner party you were hosting and on mine was birthday present shopping for a friend's birthday party. I wasn't expecting your dinner invitation but I accepted it anyway.
I apologize for being late for dinner and for my cellphone ringing at least 4 or 5 times during dinner. My 1:00pm brunch didn't end until 6:00pm after my friends and I polished off several bottles of champagne and various cocktails. So yeah, essentially I was plastered when I arrived at your place. When I saw the other dinner guests, I realized there were six of us ... two other couples and you and I. Hmmm yeah very cozy.
I did enjoy dinner, but I know you didn't cook it. Your friend who I actually do like very much cooked it. This one also had jeans on that were so tight in places that I almost climbed under the table for dessert ... but I digress.
By the time I made it to my friends birthday party I had personally cut myself off from drinking anymore. We all went dancing after the party and I saw your other half at the club. Better there than at the dinner table earlier I suppose. I immediately turned in the opposite direction so as to avoid conversation and we never saw each other again for the remainder of the night.
Oh and while I was dancing ... your friend sent me a text that said, "I miss you already".
I can be a little absent minded sometimes. Ok often. This morning was one of those mornings. So, for a little change, this one is a little message to myself.
Tomorrow morning please remember to bring your security pass card to work. That little "act" you did this morning outside the office - you know, when you pretended to search through your bag with a frustrated look on your face so that the people on the other side of the glass door might take pity on you and let you in - well, it was lame and even they probably weren't buying it. Sure they let you in ... but probably so you'd stop acting like an idiot.
Secondly, how is it that you forgot to wear a belt today? I don't understand this. I'm thinking perhaps because you forgot to put on a belt, you then in turn forgot to clip your security pass to it. Still - it's just not right.
Lastly, be careful when you are walking in the office with a cup of coffee. I know this should be a simple task, and really it is, but you proceeded to spill coffee down one leg of your pants anyway. This, much like the lack of belt, is not a good look for you.
I've decided to call you C(Old) Man because firstly you're old. Yup, plain and simple, you've been around since everything was black and white. Secondly, you're always turning up the heat in the office so I guess you're always cold. Hence - being cold and old makes you a (C)Old Man.
You remind me of Too-Cool's obsession with always turning off the heat in the office ... that prick used to drive me fucking crazy!
I ratted you out to my co-worker today who was asking who is always turning the heat up. She even put a little note beside the thermostat asking people not to change it. Today, I watched you walk right over to it, remove her note and turn the heat up. You rude son of a bitch! Who do you think you are? Just because you're like a 100 doesn't mean you can do whatever the fuck you want.
I'm going to work early this morning because of you.
You thought maybe it might be a good idea for me to be a part of this particular weekly meeting and then before I know it, the meeting invites are filling up my email inbox. Thanks. If you were my boss or if I worked directly for you then I would have no problem with this; you're not, however, and I hate that I have to do this when I already have a million things to do.
And you're not fooling anyone with your dye-job mmmkay?
