To: Friend-of-a-Friend

Just for the record, when you approached me last night, kissed and hugged me and generally greeted me like we had known each other for ages ... I had no idea who you were. I had to ask my friend if we had ever met. I was told yes but truthfully you might as well have been a complete stranger.

It's a good thing that when you entered your number into my cell phone this morning before you left my place that you also put your name. I wouldn't have known it otherwise.

Oh and just for the record, when you kiss, I felt you were giving my face a tongue bath. A bit much ... you need to tone that down. I'm not going to call you.

To: #5

Dude! When I walked into your office this afternoon it smelled you'd just taken a crap in there!

You're fucking gross.

To: Sighs-a-Lot

Just when I go and say you're growing on me and you have to go and ruin the whole thing!

This morning before you changed into your proper footwear for the conference, I looked down and to my horror saw that you were wearing a pair of Crocs. You were wearing fucking Crocs!?! Like we just finished having a conversation about a gay friend of yours, you'd think that you'd know better than that! I'm sure he wouldn't take to kindly to those rubber disasters you're walking around in! Sweetie, girlfriend needs to bitchslap some sense into that head of yours.

To: Conference Attendee

There's always one.

You were that one today.

YOU: [approaches me at the conference where my company has sponsored the business centre] OK, two things. Firstly, I need to know if Hank's presentation has been uploaded and is ready to go. Tammy needs to have it now.
ME: [who the fuck is Hank? who the fuck is Tammy? who the fuck are you for that matter?] I have no idea who any of those people are.
YOU: [said something to your co-worker and then left]
ME: [to your co-worker] She said there were two things - did you have a question?

To: Sighs-a-Lot

We have spent more time together in the last two days due to this conference we're at than we have in the whole time I have been your co-worker.

While you're easily stressed, swear profusely and probably could benefit from valium, you are also sort of growing on me.

I think I've decided I like you now.

I'm still going to write about things you do though.

To: Sighs-a-Lot

It just never fails with you!

Every time I have my personal email open on my computer typing an email to a friend, you always seem to walk by in full view of what I'm doing ... it's like you have this sixth sense or something.

I just want to turn around and tell you mind you own fucking business.

(You probably don't even give a shit what I'm doing).

#5

You expect too much and my tolerance of you is wearing thin.