To: Engaged Classmate

Ok, I get that you're getting married next year and all but I totally caught you checking me out during break last class.

I get the feeling you'd totally do it if given the chance. I would too actually but it's never going to happen.

To: Immediate Co-Worker

You were sick again today.

I don't know if I'm just dead inside or I just don't care but I have to be honest, when you start talking about whatever ailment you may have, I just don't want to hear it. It sucks.... it totally sucks. I get it. I fucking get it. I'm not good at sympathizing with you I guess.

You totallly pissed me off by calling in sick yesterday. I never call in sick and decided to just because. As soon as I called in to change my voicemail, there was your message.

"I won't be in the office today because" blah blah fucking blah.

Typical.

Hope you're enjoying your 5 day weekend!!

To: D

I must have been engrossed in conversation with my friend when you sat down at the table of our mutual friends on the patio yesterday afternoon. I didn't see you at all as I walked right past you on my way out.

When you called my name, however, and I noticed it was you I probably could not have been happier. You still look as sexy as I remember. I couldn't stop thinking about you for the rest of the day.

To: Eastern European Classmate

I think its your accent and not really your intention but sweetie you talk really loudly and it always seems like you're angry. I know you're just answering the teacher's question but its almost like you're totally pissed off when doing so. Maybe just bring it down a few notches. I think I jumped in my seat at one point.

Oh and the make-up ... well the red lipstick in particular ... makes you look a bit like a hooker.

To: Immediate Co-Worker

I'm glad you called in sick today. I know you have issues 'n all but I just don't want to hear about them. Like I mean, I'm sure it sucks 'n all but what can I do about it? If something isn't working - fix it, don't complain about it.

To: É

You do know that the reason I gave you for leaving your place early last weekend was a lie, don't you? I mean it must be pretty obvious that I was completely disappointed with you and with how the weekend played out, no?

It's fine that you are messaging me online right now but I just want to be sure you know how I feel about you. Also, you're really pushing it asking me to send you more music. Don't hold your breath, I won't be sending you any for long time ... if not, ever. Likewise, I'm not sure if you asking me about "N" is really appropriate. Yes we've been seeing each other and yes we're having sex. Good sex. You know, something you and I will never have. Ever. Satisfied?