To: the worldly wine-wannabe

I really need to stop agreeing to some of these dates. Again, this one was over in my mind the minute it started.

The first thing I saw was your sunglasses and I'm sorry but if there is anyone who knows a thing or two about sunglasses, it's me. Yours looked rediculous on you. Only a certain person can wear a lense with that type of gradient fade to it. You're not one of those people.

When you said hello I thought your front teeth were going to reach out and bite me or something. I think if they were pushed back slightly, your face would be a happier place to look at.

I liked your suggestion of a wine bar for this date but after discovering the aforementioned unfortunate attributes you had, I knew I either had to fake an illness immediately or get us there as quick as possible so I could medicate this situation with a glass of chianti.

Upon arriving:

WINE STEWARD: What do you like?
ME: I like chianti.
WINE STEWARD: We have a nice...
ME: I'll take it.