Just Sayin's All

To: N

2009-06-05T21:26:00.002-04:00

A big part of the reason we got together last night was because I had a rediculously bad blind date the night before with someone else and I knew with you things were a guarantee. I wasn't even interested in watching the movie we put on afterwards.

Despite our coloured past, I get that you like me a lot. I know that seeing you is probably not the smartest thing on my part.

To: N

2009-05-17T01:09:00.002-04:00

Although I said you could, I really didn't want you to spend the night. I don't really have brunch plans in the morning; I only said that because I figured you'd opt to stay at your place rather than be woken early tomorrow if you stayed at mine. I'm glad it worked.

To: M

2009-04-20T18:36:00.003-04:00

I lied when I told you I didn't know you were married. I assumed you had an arrangement that included the kind of fun we had.

Despite your recent declaration that you've parted ways and requested a divorce, you know as well as I do that we are not going to be together. I really wish we could be but it isn't going to happen so focus on fixing what's broken in your relationship. You love each other and you owe each other that.

To: Airport All-Nighter

2009-04-04T10:00:00.002-04:00

I enjoyed dinner the other night but I not sure I'm that interested in seeing you again. I brought you back to my place afterwards as a test of our chemestry more than anything else and I feel like you failed. It should be easier than that.

I sent a text to N. after you left.

To: The Hungarian

2009-03-31T21:07:00.002-04:00

I must have a lot of patience.

I recognized you immediately as I approached you but only as a lesser attractive version than I was expecting. [Sigh ... yup, again]

Truth be told though, I enjoyed our conversation but I'm sorry there just is not a fit there. I hope I made that clear in the most polite way possible.

As we were chatting, I noticed my dinner date for tomorrow night was calling...

To: N

2009-03-29T17:49:00.002-04:00

You know, last summer I swore off ever seeing you again so Thursday night was just for fun. I actually expected to regret it.

I didn't though.

But that doesn't mean things have changed.

To: the worldly wine-wannabe

2009-03-17T20:23:00.002-04:00

I really need to stop agreeing to some of these dates. Again, this one was over in my mind the minute it started.

The first thing I saw was your sunglasses and I'm sorry but if there is anyone who knows a thing or two about sunglasses, it's me. Yours looked rediculous on you. Only a certain person can wear a lense with that type of gradient fade to it. You're not one of those people.

When you said hello I thought your front teeth were going to reach out and bite me or something. I think if they were pushed back slightly, your face would be a happier place to look at.

I liked your suggestion of a wine bar for this date but after discovering the aforementioned unfortunate attributes you had, I knew I either had to fake an illness immediately or get us there as quick as possible so I could medicate this situation with a glass of chianti.

Upon arriving:

WINE STEWARD: What do you like?
ME: I like chianti.
WINE STEWARD: We have a nice...
ME: I'll take it.

To: the "organic" one

2009-03-15T22:42:00.002-04:00

Ugh! You hippy artsy ones are all the same. Everything with you is bad. Corporate philanthropy is bad because they’re really only looking out for their best interest. D esigner clothing is bad because it’s overpriced and conformist. Bars and clubs are bad because they’re only about shameless pick-ups. Get over it! Get the fuck over it! Companies are actually giving you money to enjoy events you go to, designer clothing is nice way to treat yourself with money you earned yourself and you don’t like going out because of your unfortunate looks. Your fucking bitterness about your lot in life is not attractive to anyone and perhaps when you grow up you’ll grow out of this sense of entitlement and superiority you have.

For the record, our date today was over the minute I set eyes on you. Yep, no way no how! I'm not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to this one. What follows is always the part I hate, however; me pretending to care, listen, stay awake. I’m polite about it though and I think even very friendly.

I lied when I said I had to answer my vibrating blackberry – there was no text message. I actually sent a text to my friend telling him to call me in 20 minutes and to just follow my lead. Twenty minutes later that call was made up – my friend didn’t have a sick cat that needed to go to the vet. My friend doesn’t even have a cat.

To: N

2008-08-30T15:35:00.002-04:00

I'm too good for your games fuck face.

Last night's conversation (online):

YOU: Maybe do something this weekend?
ME: Are you sure you really want to? Last time we made plans you stood me up and didn't return my text messages that day.
YOU: Yeah I'm sure.
ME: Not trying to be an asshole here or anything, honest I'm not - but I'm just not sure I believe you.
YOU: Fine (goes offline)

Fuck you, you fucking shit-for-brains douche. You blew it and you know it. I never wanted you from the start and now I never want to see you again.

To: N

2008-08-25T19:24:00.003-04:00

You're no longer a good fuck buddy. You're unreliable and you've really let yourself go since we first met last October. I've decided to hold auditions for your replacement.

To: A

2008-08-17T22:04:00.003-04:00

You were cuter in the bar where it was dark than you were this morning in my bed.

I sort of regret exchanging numbers. I doubt I'll use yours and I'm hoping you don't use mine.

To: Class Cheaters

2008-07-31T22:34:00.003-04:00

The two of you have a lot of nerve asking the teacher this evening what could be done about your poor mark on test from last class. You got 10 our of 15, that's not a terrible mark considering the two you cheated during the exam. My friend and I watched you blatenly read answers from your book and speak to each other. So I'm sorry you stupid fuck, you dug you're own grave. Fucking accept the mark you got and shut the fuck up. The alternative is that we expose you as cheaters and you fail the entire class. That's right. Fuck you. Shut your fucking mouth and stop being the annoying bitches that you are and perhaps we'll let you pass the class.

To: Instructor

2008-07-28T18:51:00.002-04:00

So I get that you don't like me or my friend. Don't worry, we hate you too. You've spent all term talking shit, giving good marks to idiots, and being a general douche about things. Now, with six classes left to go, we somehow have to manage to write two exams and give two presentations. Thanks asshole. Thanks for making the next three weeks of my life hell. Your class evaluation form from me is going to suggest you learn some time management skills and perhaps not flirt with the self-obsessed skank who thinks she's God's gift to this class.

To: Classmate P.

2008-07-28T18:48:00.002-04:00

Listen dude, my friend and I obliged when you needed two models for you to take a photo of during your presentation last week. We don't want to be your friend or anything so stop talking to us. Neither one of us gives a shit. Oh and when you were showing us the pictures you took of us, was it really necessary to hold the camera in front of your crotch while zooming in and out on our heads? That was gross you creepy fuck.

To: Cha-Crazy (cuz that's what your last name sounds like)

2008-07-28T18:47:00.003-04:00

Your presentation was three times as long as it was supposed to be and boring as fuck. I can't believe you stood in front of the class and spewed a bunch of bullshit for as long as you did and still managed to get a better mark than me. Fuck you.

To: N

2008-07-28T18:43:00.002-04:00

When we got back to my place after my birthday gathering, it started to become clear to me that you may be interested in more that I'm willing to give you at this point. I'm fine with things the way they are but now I feel like I shouldn't see you at all. Dammit! You're not supposed to like me.

To: N

2008-07-17T23:19:00.002-04:00

It's my birthday tomorrow (Friday) and I'm not sure if I should have or not but I've mentioned it to you and it looks like you may be attending.

Truthfully I'd prefer you just arrived towards the end so we could have another drink and then go back to my place and fuck. Still, that's all I really want you for. I don't really want you there all night. I'm not babysitting you, so think wisely about when you arrive. It'll be better for both of us.

To: M

2008-07-05T00:37:00.003-04:00

I've been waiting to do that since the night we bumped into each other in a neighbouring city three months ago. That was exactly what I needed after the week I've just had. While you're probably back at home with your other half, I'm off to bed now to sleep soundly. Thanks for that.

To: N

2008-07-01T18:17:00.003-04:00

Last night I was dancing away at the club with friends having a great time and then I looked over and thought I was hallucinating! You walked right over to me ... the last person I ever expected to see there.

We kissed.

Me: Hi
You: Hi
Me: What are you doing here?
You: This is my old stomping ground. Why? Am I interrupting something?
Me: No. No not at all. I'm just so surprised to see you.

You left to get a drink or something after dancing briefly. I expected you to come back but you didn't. I didn't see you for the rest of the night. You disappeared just as quickly as you appeared. I'm glad that you did though. I'd prefer to keep what we have separate from everything else I have.

To: Engaged Classmate

2008-05-25T23:14:00.002-04:00

Ok, I get that you're getting married next year and all but I totally caught you checking me out during break last class.

I get the feeling you'd totally do it if given the chance. I would too actually but it's never going to happen.

To: Immediate Co-Worker

2008-05-21T20:08:00.002-04:00

You were sick again today.

I don't know if I'm just dead inside or I just don't care but I have to be honest, when you start talking about whatever ailment you may have, I just don't want to hear it. It sucks.... it totally sucks. I get it. I fucking get it. I'm not good at sympathizing with you I guess.

You totallly pissed me off by calling in sick yesterday. I never call in sick and decided to just because. As soon as I called in to change my voicemail, there was your message.

"I won't be in the office today because" blah blah fucking blah.

Typical.

Hope you're enjoying your 5 day weekend!!

To: D

2008-05-11T09:11:00.002-04:00

I must have been engrossed in conversation with my friend when you sat down at the table of our mutual friends on the patio yesterday afternoon. I didn't see you at all as I walked right past you on my way out.

When you called my name, however, and I noticed it was you I probably could not have been happier. You still look as sexy as I remember. I couldn't stop thinking about you for the rest of the day.

To: Eastern European Classmate

2008-05-06T21:56:00.002-04:00

I think its your accent and not really your intention but sweetie you talk really loudly and it always seems like you're angry. I know you're just answering the teacher's question but its almost like you're totally pissed off when doing so. Maybe just bring it down a few notches. I think I jumped in my seat at one point.

Oh and the make-up ... well the red lipstick in particular ... makes you look a bit like a hooker.

To: Immediate Co-Worker

2008-05-06T21:53:00.003-04:00

I'm glad you called in sick today. I know you have issues 'n all but I just don't want to hear about them. Like I mean, I'm sure it sucks 'n all but what can I do about it? If something isn't working - fix it, don't complain about it.

To: É

2008-05-04T18:41:00.003-04:00

You do know that the reason I gave you for leaving your place early last weekend was a lie, don't you? I mean it must be pretty obvious that I was completely disappointed with you and with how the weekend played out, no?

It's fine that you are messaging me online right now but I just want to be sure you know how I feel about you. Also, you're really pushing it asking me to send you more music. Don't hold your breath, I won't be sending you any for long time ... if not, ever. Likewise, I'm not sure if you asking me about "N" is really appropriate. Yes we've been seeing each other and yes we're having sex. Good sex. You know, something you and I will never have. Ever. Satisfied?