To: Arrogant Co-Worker

Do I have any pads of lined refill? WTF? Who says that? Call it a pad of lined paper like the rest of the planet.

Oh and you should stop wearing that black polo t-shirt with the blue stripe. I'm sick of seeing it and black doesn't complement your dandruff very well.

To: The New Guy with the undeterminable accent

Where are you from? Seriously, I don't get your accent.
When you talk to me, you just sound stupid and drunk.

To: The Guy I just shared the elevator with

I've seen guys with unruly nose hair before, but you take the cake!

I didn't think it was possible to have hair growing from the bridge of one's nose. This was a first. It must have been several centimeters in length and curly; it was basically sitting there like a pube on your nose! Can you not see that?! I don't understand how you could even look forward without seeing that thing in your peripheral vision.

Perhaps I was just so tired this morning when I was in the elevator with you that I was hallucinating the whole thing. This is the only logical explanation to me. How you could go out in public with that on your face and not know it? Shameful.

To: My Boss

Stop walking by my desk and looking to see what I'm working on. I'm very good at hiding the fact that most of the time I'm sitting here looking for another job.

Oh and the last thing I want to do is plan the stupid company social event. I've had a better conversation with a wall than I've ever had with anyone working here. The thought of spending time with you fucks outside of my required work day just made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

To: The Fat Guy next to me on the subway with bad personal hygiene

Shampoo and clean clothes that fit you would be a good place to start.

I wasn't able to read the full text of the dirty t-shirt you were wearing - likely because your dirty jacket was covering most of it - but I did happen to notice the word "fun" italized on the centre. Yeah ... right, you look like a good time. Especially when I saw you pick your nose and eat it two stops into my ride to work this morning. Thanks for that ... that was fun.

To: New Guy at work

You emailed a co-worker to tell them that you won't be in the office tomorrow. They replied to your email, and CC'd me, to tell you to let me know in the future. Please don't come over to my desk and ask me if you should email me again to let me know.

I can read.